The Bears are on the Clock

Oh, boy, the NFL Draft!

Living in Chicago, where the biggest, most compelling football happening since about early November was the free agent signing of Marty Booker, the draft is like a beautiful bacon oasis in a desert of puffed rice. It's hope renewed, and the first official cue that it's cool to start thinking about the next season.

Think about it: The Pro Bowl is a watered-down, two-hand-touch Nancy-game. Free agency is interesting for about a minute. Minicamps are full of worthless, non-story storylines that Sportscenter beats to death. Heck, even preseason games aren't that great; yeah, preseason is live action football, but just barely. No, in the months between the end of the Super Bowl and kickoff weekend—September 4; put it in your GCal now—the draft is the only part of the off-season that is even the tiniest bit exciting.

Last year at this time, with the Bears coming off a Super Bowl appearance and the team returning pretty much intact, I wasn't looking for much—some youth on the offensive line and maybe a safety to step in when Mike Brown invariably gets hurt. Not only didn't I get those in the draft, but the Bears basically gave away Thomas Jones, making candyass Cedric Benson (whose Madden ratings don't reflect his actual abilities, by the way) the featured back. Injuries and inconsistencies combined with a tough schedule to make for a throwaway 2007 season.

2008 could be even worse for the Bears. The schedule is easier, but with the defection of Bernard Berrian, they are without a single playmaker on offense. Rex still has the tiny hands of a chimp, Benson showed last year that he's got no heart, and the offensive line is another year older and more rickety. Both Tommie Harris and Brian Urlacher are disgruntled about their contracts and Urlacher's coming off a sub-par season and surgery on his motherfucking neck.

So where do the Bears go draft-wise? I don't watch enough college ball or Mel Kiper to know at all who's good and who's a washout waiting to happen. If I'm picking in the Bears war room, I go unsexy and take an offensive tackle in the first round, though it'll be hard to pass on Rashard Mendenhall or Jonathan Stewart if either are available at 14. They also need an explosive WR but rookie receivers are hit-and-miss and drafting one high is often a bust waiting to happen. Other holes in the roster included defensive linemen, maybe a younger corner, and, again, a safety or two for when Mike Brown shreds his knee buckling his chinstrap during the National Anthem.

So there you go. I don't have any better idea who to draft than do Jerry and Lovie. Whatever they do, I'll be watching on Saturday—seven hours, I'm sure, Sweetpea will think are the biggest, dumbest, most philistinian waste of time ever.